Dear Katy Perry,
I didn’t like you from the start. That first single of yours? “I Kissed a Girl”? Disgusting. After participating in the Vagina Monologues 2008, my blossoming feminism-ity hated that song. The rants I made really earned me points with Courtney Connolly and the rest of the girls from the cast, let me tell you. You later said in interviews that you’ve never even kissed a girl. What a phony!
No, I don’t even know your name, it doesn’t matter
You’re my experimental game, just human nature
It’s not what good girls do, not how they should behave
My head gets so confused, hard to obey
No, Katy. I did not like you at all.
But then the one and only Taylor Swift made this cute home video to your single “Hot N Cold” and I guess I didn’t think you were that bad. But that five-head! Which you sometimes covered up with horrible bangs! Those Pro-Activ commercials! Those ridiculous boobs! Your engagement to that tool Russell Brand! I couldn’t get on the bandwagon.
Then one day recently, my dear friend Katie Hudson (your REAL NAME, weirdly enough) and I were driving home from the mall and I could hear the murmur of a very catchy song coming from Mr. Hudson’s Audi speakers. What could this be? I wondered. Got home, Googled the lyrics. It was you, Katy Perry. It was your summer smash hit, “California Gurls“. I was obsessed. That shit was on repeat til my brother Michael told me I could not play it anymore. It was just so fun, so clean, so pop.
Then you performed it live on the MTV Movie Awards and god, it sucked. Your voice was so shaky you had to simulate a blow job to distract the audience. Not as clean as we thought. Cool.
However…you have redeemed yourself. For now.
“Teenage Dream”, your forthcoming single from your new album of the same name, might be in my top ten summer jams of all time. It has a jammin’ beat, a catchy hook, and adorable lyrics. It makes me want to jump up and down then make out for two hours in the back of a car.
Thank you for this.
– Allison “teenybopper” Berger